just say something..
11:54 pm on 10.27.05
i don't really know anymore. i've probably cried more in the last week or so than i like to admit to myself or anyone else for that matter. im pretty sure people that have been around me have seen me tear up over practically nothing, and they mostly play it off like they don't notice. how do you not notice someone getting teary eyed? how do we all just keep going on pretending? pretending like it doesn't matter. pretending like the last 4 months never existed? lance who? vermont what? ugh. i hate that i still wake up thinking about him. i hate that people ask me whats going on.. and then when i say i have no idea. they say things like sorry. or awwe. like someone is dead and gone. and im like.. don't be sorry. there's still hope! because im that lame. because somewhere in there i think this can't just be over and done like that. with no explanations or reasons. just the disappearance. i still hold in the back of my mind that all those coincidences and connections all those memories of kissing and touching and actually being there all that newness and sighs wasn't for nothing. that it really does mean something. it meant something. that chapter 2 could still happen, and that whole novel could go platnium. im a sucker for hope. i lose it and re-find it everyday. its like i should just forget it all and be that strong bitch im supposed to be. but i can't. because i am mush inside. and i can't do anything about it.
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