fuck if i have a title.. let's snuggle.
11:38 pm on 08.11.05
so i broke the rule where i promised myself i wouldn't drink on weeknights anymore. i shouldn't drink at all. but sometimes. it just happens. and here we are. and tomorrow is a golf tournament for my cousin. i think my mom said it was like 6 or 7 years ago he died. which is crazy. the passing of time is crazy. the fact that so much could go by in what seems like an instant is just beyond me. i still remember where i was when i found out he died. i was spending my spring break in utah, on nick's recliner, in a final act of closure. the follow up to my teenage meltdown. like i had to prove that he still liked me. even though it was all long since past, and i spent nights reading bad almost poetry to some other boy over the phone while he slept. i remember when we finally fooled around again and he looked at me with that look that is only his. and i remember when he bit his lip and made that face, it was like coming full circle.. and i could let it go. i don't think i've talked to him since, though i can't say i haven't wondered. i wonder about everyone. well almost. alot of them. i wonder where people are now. if they even remember me as some blip on their screen. i mean there are so many people i remember. and i doubt half of them remember me. but who knows. maybe they do and i just don't know. although the pessimist in me says otherwise. i just want to be remembered. is that too much to ask?? i don't know. sometimes i wonder if there are people that remember me, that i don't remember. like the people who are thinking the same things about me that i'm thinking about other people. i guess it's possible. who knows. i know i'm fucking memorable. i don't know why i wonder so much. but it's possible that i'm nothing. what if no one remembers? i can't think about that now. because im two steps ahead. im thinking about me and tomorrow and the future. not the has been could have should have beens. i mean they cross my path, but they are not now. but i don't know what's going on now either. it's either about to be awesome or about to be the beginning of the end. who knows. who fucking knows. i remember when i got a reading from marcus and he told me i would leave the current boy. that me and him weren't meant to be. and i giggled my usual laugh at that thought. and i remember everytime i saw him after he would ask me if i was still with him. and i would say yesss. because it has been for so long. and here i am again. at the brink of where what could be meets what is. that blurring of reality and beautiful. maybe reality can be beautiful. i guess i really think it can be or i wouldn't still be here believing. it's like as soon as i get up against the wall wondering if the Universe is really the Universe, something reminds me that is it. and all it takes is belief in the possibility. i remember kevin's room. maybe it was a hundred years ago when he was alive, but it's still there. i remember his bunk beds, and cooking popcorn in their fireplace. i remember later when he was a substitute math teacher at my middle school. and the boy i crushed on thought he was awesome. and i remember when my mom told me he died. and i was across the country and it was surreal and i never had to see the funeral or the reality of it. and tomorrow is the golf tournament. and in my heart of hearts, i think he is looking down on them all, and he's happy. i know that. he's probably having a beer with my dad and grandfathers for all i know. but either way, i'm pretty sure it's all good. it's just hard to fathom that it's been that long. 14 years since my dad died? i mean that's fucking forever. that's like half my life there. but for all i know it could've been yesterday. i mean i guess not totally. but sometimes it feels that way. sometimes i cry over nothing like it was yesterday. but whatever. this isn't about that. tomorrow, golf tournament, kevin. i remember when i was afraid of the barn that he had a club house in. afraid and amazed, because we never got to go in that barn, and it overlooked the whole field. and everyone older than me was magical. i haven't been past that house in ages. does it even matter? do i think too much? fuck you. i don't care. i'm still me. and i still miss people, and i'm still afraid of the future. and that's just how it is. and now it's 4am. and i'm tired and not really drunk anymore, and i'd still give my heart away if you asked nicely.
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