welcome back kotter.
12:45 am on 02.24.05
its funny.. because i was just writing over at the livejournal and deleting every other sentence because everyone knows its there. its funny. i never really knew what that was like until now. not that theres really that many people taking note or ever glancing.. but it felt that way. i used to always write whatever the hell i wanted. but that whole friends list is scary. i cant explain the phenomenon in my mind that makes the buddy list here less ominous then the friends list over there. i guess because here you have to click on the persons name to read them.. somehow acknowledging that you are entering their world. over there everyones all on the same page.. all your friends one after another. i dont know. maybe if i could handle all their filters or whatever the fuck i'd like it more. and the comments. right there. right after your words. people commenting on them. like. it takes more thought and time and recall to open a guestbook and write out your thoughts. its something. its just home here. * and its just one of those things. full circle and all. its been a rough freaking winter. i mean i guess not really in the big scheme of things. but in an internal kind of turmoil..hibernating..and isolation and thinking and sighing and relearning lessons you should already know. its like you know whats right and whats not.. but its really easy to rationalize away whatever because its what feels good at the time. i am so on constant rinse & repeat. in a million different ways. but in the end. spring still comes. theres still chance and time. and i keep putting on this lip balm over and over because it smells like sugar cookies, but only as long as you're putting it on. the last couple days i kept feeling like people were totally avoiding me. and at the same time i knew i was probably just overreacting. but i couldnt completely stop it. today i was proved right that i am indeed not the plague. who knew. the winter is sucking my confidence. and i need a haircut. badly. soon. im hoping to time it so it grows out a little by the art show but still looks good. i need good. i need out of this funk. i can get there. it just have to remind myself of it every day. sidetacked is so much easier. i just took this after lola wrestled her bracelet out from under the printer. shes seriously obnoxious lately. haha its a love/hate thing.
i don't think she likes the flash. it feels good to be back. xo. if you're reading this..i've probably thought about you this winter. and i probably miss you. i think i've thought and missed everyone at least once. if that makes sense. time to dream.
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