turkey lurkey family fun. so we made it through another holiday.. and this time there werent even battle scars. im pretty surprised..its been awhile since my family has pulled it off.. the magic's gone. but at least there were no fights right? maybe i should delve into holiday past to clear this up for you..and to exorcise the demons that be.. that live in my little head whenever a holiday comes close. lets bring it back almost 9 years.. to the christmas after my dad died.. before this.. we always had a pretty big christmas, all with my dads family. usually at my uncle johns house.. he likes being in charge.. occasionally id weasel my way into it and get christmas at my house.. but it was a rarity. so we'd go over there with all our presents..and everyone was there.. well everyone on my dads side..and it was always pure fun. presents and love and smiles.. real smiles. and then after my dad died of course it was hard. of course. i mean it has to be. its human nature to miss whats not there.. to look at the christmas videos from a year before where he was there and get misty at the empty spot. but i was determined. i made them have christmas at our house.. becuase no one came over anymore. because my dad was dead and no one can face it. so we had christmas there. and my uncle.. my dads brother bailed early.. like 5pm early.. which in the history of our family shindigs is unheard of. it destroyed me. im pretty sure i cried about it then. because i loved my dad.. and my uncle was the closest thing to him that was left, and he couldnt bear to be in our house. bah. so time goes on.. and christmases mended.. and returned to the best they could. and then my grandma k started to lose herself. and alzheimers mixed with golden sherry kicked in.. and this brought about the worst christmas ever. my uncle who lives upstairs from my grandma and his entire family really deal with her everyday.. everyones tired. it wears you out to deal with someone losing their mind. and so my grandma goes and takes a nap downstairs, and we all carry on upstairs.. talking and whatnot.. presents were already opened, dinner already eaten.. and eventually she wakes up and comes upstairs. shes enraged. grandma k is a loving woman, but when she feels jilted watch out. her words bite. and they did. she starts getting angry asserting that we let her miss christmas... she forgot she was there.. she didnt even remember it. and now she was accusing us of forgetting about her. she keeps carrying on and my aunt tries to explain to her that she was there..and she just took a nap..and everythings ok.. but its not. once gramma k gets somthing in her mind its done. and she somehow. somehow. she snaps at my aunt. she says, "dont tell me what to do.. you're not really part of the family." my aunt.. who has turned her life upside down to take care of my grandmother.. and maybe shes just my uncles wife and not blood. but shes as good as blood. my aunt breaks. she locks herself in her room and doesnt come back out. shortly after we leave.. because no one knows what to do. and the silence is worse. but we press on right? and so then my grandma goes into the alzheimers home.. and this leads to guilt. my uncle feels guilty for putting her there.. even though it had to be done. and so we skip a thanksgiving or two.. and a christmas comes along. and they decide not to have it. there will be no family gathering. anywhere. and its sad. its inceredibly sad to suddenly not be together, at least with the family thats left. but my moms a gem and we had a good time.. the four of us.. and later that night my uncle calls.. and he says to her. "its just not christmas like this" and they had a miserable day well.. in the same sense that i felt it.. because we werent all together.. so we go over there at night..and everyones drunk of course by now. and my uncle gets high and mighty when hes drunk.. theyve helped me uncountable times in my life.. but uncle john makes sure you know it. makes sure you know its HIM you thank. but you cant thank him enough.. he feeds on it. an he makes a scene if you dont. i had brought a card for him and my aunt.. because i didnt have money to buy them stuff.. and i couldnt find the right moment to give it to them without looking cheesy.. or feeling cheesy.. but somehow my uncle turned it around..and was like.. oh geee.. thanks for not getting me anything.. and i couldnt find the strength to pull the card out of my pocket and throw it in his face and be like.. seee! i rememebred! because he was drunk..and i wasnt.. and i felt small. so i left the card in their mailbox when we left.. it was torment..and i had even brought a friend along for the ride. whee. last year was closer to normal.. the family gathering was back.. so theres hope for this year. and this thanksgiving was even more hope. i was truly worried before we went. because my aunt had decided to bring my grandma out of the home to have thanksgiving with us.. she hadnt been out before. and i was afraid. afraid of how it would be .. afraid shed be upset.. or not want to go back.. afraid she wouldnt know me. and at first she didnt.. she didnt know my name.. but we told her.. and we told her where we were alot.. alot. but she seemed happy.. genuinely so. she remembers the past.. the distant past better. and we all ate together and then my aunt took her back.. and she told her they were going for a walk.. and somehow, because my aunt knows her, she got her to go in the car with her to run errands.. and she got her back there effortlessly.. and everyone was ok. and after they were gone, my uncle let s slice of his heart show through, when he told us how much it hurt that people who dont know him or the family or the real situation would be in shock that he put her in there.. and they would tear him down.. how could he!? they say. close family friends turned their backs. its pretty amazing how people work. i was against it for a long long time. i still hate going to the place to see her. but it really is for the best. and holidays arent so bad after all. and this year. this year.. no christmas eve party! thats a whole other entry. and a whole other weight off my shoulders. turkey = good. |