artgirl, lame. i am an idiot. i cant even call myself an artist. "what are you interested in? what do you think about?" um. um. i dont know. im so fucking uncomfortable with myself. how can i be so confident and so lost at the same time? i cant even tell this guy what art i like. i cant even express what im interested in. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? i feel like a mindless form, a shell of a girl. i dont even know what interests me!? thats pathetic. im so out of touch. the silence hung there so i smiled and squirmed because i cant name drop artists that i love like i can name 8os rock bands. guh. but everyone else can.. right? maybe i shouldnt be here. "why did you paint?" why? why? um because i didnt know what else to do? because i didnt want to go to regular school? Fuck that. i paint because i inherently Have to create. i cant Not think about making something when i see random objects. if only i wasnt so programmed to think i needed to give the right answer; like when i was little and in counceling because of my sister, and they asked me, "do you know why youre here?" and i said yes. and they asked me, "why?" why? i Know why... 'because my sisters crazy..because a 6 year old wants to die because her grandfather is dead and she loved him' ..but i couldnt say that. i couldnt talk about her while shes sitting right there. but i couldnt give the wrong answer. you cant. because.. because you have to be right or people think things.. so i cried. my lip quivered and my eyes filled up and she told me there was no wrong answer, but i couldnt say it. so i cried. and i told them i was wrong. i had no idea why i was there. and i cried, and they let me leave. but the point was this, my need . my hidden need to be accepted. i like alot of things.. im interested in everything. i cant narrow it down.. i cant even fucking identify what i like. god im lame. like i dont want to say the wrong thing because even if i hate this guy who teaches drawing i still want him to like me, and respect my work. respect my visions. because he Is an artist. i just need to find it. find what it is that i love.. that makes it all happen. |