prethanksgiving whining about the past. so i locked it up. i dont know why. .maybe because im feeling too all over the place lately.. and i dont want everone to know. *shrug* maybe it'll last a week. who knows. i sure as hell dont. im going though a million emotions a day. i hate myself.. i love myself. i feel loved and negelcted.. i feel out of touch.. unconnected.. and then i can smile.. because theres a good song on the radio that reminds me of a life im not in anymore. *sigh* tomorrow is thanksgiving and i dont know what i think about that.. my painting teacher today told me to enjoy the old family get together while i can.. becuase her family is all dead now..and she misses those days. and i try to like it. i try. but its already so far gone. we'll go to donnas tomorrow and go through the motions..people will tell me they like my hair..and ask me about school alot. ill mostly feel like im going nowhere and wish i was home under the blankets. i remember when i was little.. and me and grandma k would cook the turkey all night at her house.. and i would sleep there and we'd get up every few hours to check on it. and it was warm there. and we'd watch the parade and wait for everyone to show up. i could sigh all night. jamies at her moms where theyre all together getting things ready for tomorrow..their huge family bonanza.. and im here. alone. me and puppy. i was over there earlier tonight.. and theyre too sweet and try to make me a part of their family.. because maybe you can see it in my face or something.. that im half lost.. and i love them for it.. but its not the same. its close.. its soemthing.. but its not my family. but at the same time tomorrow is just a shell of my family anyways. my mom told me i have to let go of the past and make my own traditions. but its not easy. its really not easy. i will not sit here and cry about it. i wont. i promise. im stopping now. * what else is there? i have no money and no job. i had all my financial aid money and somehow lent a large chunk of it to my moms.. and now i have nothing.. im not sure what i was thinking.. everyone kept asking me why id let her borrow that much..shes my moms. of course ill give it to her. but of course.. its now biting me in the ass. * i had to pay 10 bucks for a magazine that was only two weeks late today. that didnt make me happy either. im still trying ot figure out how 25cents a day times 2 weeks equals $10.. * i could really use a hug. or a phone call from someone who cares.. but im not holding my breath anymore.. people are too busy.. which hurts when it shouldnt. ok. enough. im thankful for a million things including my bed, where im headed now. goodnight moon. |