thought stew. its been awhile. too much too late i have that song on constant repeat. i think my life is on constant repeat.. stuck in the same scratch in the record.. someones gonna lift the needle out soon though.. they have to . skipping is annoying. today was all of them. all the emotions plus three. anger. love. appreciation. adoration. annoyance. pity. loss. demeaning. scary. obligated. curious. afraid. each of those is attached to a person.. i wonder if you know which is yours? or why? i wonder if anyone really knows how much they effect the outcome of life. of my life. its all hinge-ing on a new beginning. one i cant see yet and one i seem to get lost in. too many possiblilites are overwhelming but none of them are appetizing. i cant even spell appetizing? maybe for that alone i should stay home. my boss has been missing for a few days.. she called me tonight from the tavern again.. she quit. the last person i liked there.. and trusted.. gone. she seemed sad but ok.. the bread guy later said to me.. 'oh i hear your boss is gone' yeah .. i said.. thats what ive heard. as he walks away he looks back and says.. 'cant say ill miss her' in one sentence he reiterated the fact that no one can be trusted. keep your mouth shut. burn no bridges. i laughed inside though.. because a couple weeks ago.. she told me to watch out for him.. she believed he was spying on us for the bigger wigs. or maybe aliens. who knows. before this a woman full of chatter and quesitons that i didnt have the answers to .. told me.. 'girl you need to get a new job.. you dont know nothing' its not my profession i said... its just a part time job. she laughed and touched my shoulder. everyday the tear me down.. they dont know how much i do know. they dont know the things i could create for them. but they dont care. im just another useless face holding them up on the way to starbucks with my incompetence. later. an old friend..so to speak.. a large black guy who gets around in a lark type thing showed up.. he told me of his recent heart attack.. and therapy bills.. i smiled and agreed that those things are no good. i never have the right words.. will they ever be there? but just a smile. and i know thats all he needed.. the first time he ever talked to me.. he told me i was beautiful..and did i have a boyfriend? at the time.. i said yes. he told me.. i should go home and tell him he was a very lucky boy. i laughed. if you only knew. its me. just me. my life on repeat. and a boy offered to lend me a hand.. and help me out of the rut of my life.. or at least just to be there.. and its hard for me. i no longer want to be the strong one.. the smart one.. the right one.. but its hard to accept help. learn and grow. i need a project. i need motivation to do something other than this. other than nothing. other than sleep or asprin. this has been a giant pile of nothing. not rhyme no reason.. not even alot of full thriving sentences. i guess i stopped thinking in color. im ok though. theres black and white and a hint of blue. * my existence this month is brought to you courtesy of - jamie - mary & linwood - i cant thank them enough in words or thoughts.. but if they can accept the wishes on stars i make for them.. then we might just be ok.. * |