ice cream matters most. i think too much. ive realized that sitting around all day watching too many movies isnt any help for my state of mind. i realized that even though i thought i had seen the movie se7en before i had actually seen most of it and slept through the ending..because it was a total surprise to me today.. i realized that sleeping on the floor through most of the sixth sense then waking up right at the end where the kid tells his mom what he sees and crying like hes talking to you.. makes me even more an emotional freak than i previously thought i was.. i realized i shouldve brought some drawing paper here.. because i need something without lines. i hate being alone. im thinking of starting a new diary.. not abandoning this one.. but branching out i guess. ideas ideas ideas. when i got my haircut.. marcus.. stylist and intune with the universe psychic extrodinaaire.. asked me about breaking up with ian..and i made some sarcastic remark.. about ian making it .. or not caring about it.. or something.. and he told me.. you know breaking up has karmic reprocussions... and i laughed and said.. no it doesnt. because i didnt believe it did. because breaking up isnt an act of hate.. well its not always.. i never wanted to hurt ian.. its a moving forward.. a change. but here i am.. miserable.. and out there is ian.. miserable. so i guess theres some truth to the theory afterall. im not sure where im going. im not sure why i do half the things i do. i woke up this morning and the first thing i thought was.. i hate myself. i dont like feeling this way.. i dont like not being able to express myself..i dont like being trapped in my head. half of me wants to give up and the other half wont let it. i keep hearing this ice cream truck.. it reminds me of when we used to chase one outside my grandmothers house.. back in those days. the easy days. the happy days. the days where all that mattered was ice cream. i wish i could turn off my brain..or at least sever the connection between heart and brain.. i have to do something.. im making myself crazy. * |