unsent letters.. paul.. for a long time theres been alot of things ive wanted to say to you.. that i never really get the chance or the nerve to say. because im me i guess. and i have too much pride.. or some backward emotion that made me feel like i had to put up a strong front for you. that made me feel like i could never let you know the truth.. or see me care, even though your thoughts were right infront of me. its a battle with myself that i always lost. i wish you could have heard all the conversations with jamie where i said.. i wish i could have said that.. or done that.. or not been so. so. so me. i guess it was always our game.. chase and run. hah. neither of us gave in at the same time.. except in the beginning.. and even then i was still me. the last time i saw you.. and i could see in your eyes that you wanted to kiss me..and somehow my mind took over and wouldnt let you.. for fear of something. fear of myself liking it again. i dont know. all i know is that i feel like now.. today, i still talk about you with jamie. like it was something that never quite happened because of all the fucked up circumstances at the time.. but i know all the things that did happen.. and the times we had i still hold up as some of the most amazing and intensely magical and complex.. because sometimes it was just right. it was more than us. it was more than this world. what we have is bigger than this realm..and we both knew it. i know you still think about me.. because i know i think the same things..because there are some people in life that you cant let go of.. that as many times as they fade.. they dont burn out. we've had this conversation before.. god. so many times i was on the phone wanting to tell you.. trying to..and i always bricked. because im too fucking dumb to admit to myself what ive known all along. *sigh* i love you. ive always loved you. even in my backwards days of hiding in my hoodie so you wouldnt touch me.. even when id secretly swoon to myself because when youd walk behind me and touch that one spot on my back.. almost.. so i knew you were there.. i was always thinking it. and i still kick myself for not being able to tell you it when you needed it most. because it has always been there. i loved you then.. and i love you now.. and its no easier to tell you now. it still puts my heart in my throat to even say it.. even now.. when i expect nothing from it. its still real. i still mean it. i just needed you to know. i cant really imagine a future that didnt have you in it in some shape or form. hearing you today brought alot back.. alot of things i cant forget..and alot of the same unknown fears. the same ones that hide my feelings alot. i really hope we talk more soon.. you have a spark.. and i presence ive never found in anyone else ive met.. that i dont think is possible to find again. maybe this all sounds silly.. but i know you understand. i love you paul.. eternally, heather |