ten year curse hah. so its all sort of carefree today.. a day where we can laugh about problems that are truly serious, but that are easier to joke about. becuase its vacation and its almost 3:30 and im wearing pink silk pants.. haha. im not getting dressed ever! but this all started because im a chicken..you heard it.. ive been avoiding the evil girl doctor for quite some time.. just because it creeps me out. but i finally grew up? or got some common sense and ive been avoiding sex now until i get some sort of bith control happening..just because.. i dunno. because it was weighing on my mind.. and i wasnt enjoying sex.. because i kept this list of 'what-ifs' in the back of my mind.. so i finally broke down and made an appointment.. and then cancelled..then made a new one.. so thursday is evil girl doctor day..and i know the world is truly anticipating me hopping back into the ring of carefree sex and all.. hah. riight. so last night im re-reading some magazine in the bathroom that puppy ate the cover off of.. and i come across an ad for the depo-provera shot.. the chosen form of birth control that i was looking into.. and theres this list of people who shouldnt get it.. and it said.. people with liver disease. and.. fuck. so when i was in highschool i was sick and miserable for months..and my mom never believed i was sick, until one day the doctor told her i was..and she felt worse than ever. i think ive told this story.. but im retelling. because its on my mind and i can say whatever i damn well please.. because it hasnt gone away. so i couldnt move..because i had arthritis..and swollen joints..and i went to the doctor no less than 80 times, and they were all unknowing.. as they do best.. so they gave me naprosin. in an attempt to make me feel better.. and instead gave me hepititis. so i threw up for a few weeks..turned yellow.. and got a swollen face from steroids.. woooo. so after taking biopsy chunks out of my legs to find out what i really had they still didnt know. so they put their minds together and came up with lupus. because my dad had lupus..and its heriditary. and hes dead... so.. lets follow the line of reasoning. i had been reading some lupus websites about the 10 year curse..and all these people that died within ten years.. and ive been in a 'remission' for like i dunno 5 or 6 years? they say it always comes back though. and it might. because i stopped all the drugs.. because i didnt think i needed them. the doctor who looks like a lucky charms troll told me that in 90% of cases it comes back if you stop the drugs.. and it usually comes back worse. and personally if its worse than last time i hope to hell i die.. because that sucked. i was sick and miserable and useless. and ilost all my friends. why cant my friends deal with anything? i was home alone for christmas that year because my fmaily went out and i was too sick to go..and no one came over. not one. fuck that they didnt come over the whole month that i was living on the couch because i couldnt climb the damn ladder to my loft bed.. because people cant deal with new shit. my same friends didnt come to my dads funeral either. the playground of the school overlooks the cemetary where hes buried.. and while we all stood around the grave there was a huge crowd of kids looking through the clearing in the trees at us. they shouldve been holding my hand. but thats not the point of this. today is about immortality and happiness. so i read that magazine about the birth control shite..and i called my mom. mom.. do i have liver disease? is lupus liver disease? because i was confused..becasue even back then they never said the words to me.. you have lupus. i thought it was implied.. apparently its true. i have it. and it could someday wreak havoc on my liver like lovely hepititis did.. but no its not a liver disease. i told my mom that i read that people with lupus die in ten years.. she didnt believe me. she told me about all these people that havent. i dont really believe i'll die in ten years. i wish you couldve heard the conversation.. it was mostly laughter. i love when i can make my mom laugh.. me.. in my overly dramatic tone..'no mom.. i really do think im gonna die in ten years' .. 'are you sure thats what i have.. i dont trust those guys anyways' .. 'do i reallly have to tell them?' it was all quite humorous at the time. but i forget my whole point really.. except that sick girls deserve bith control too damnit! ;) smile.. cause lifes too short. ten year plague and all. |