art on my sleeve i dont usually write when i wake up.. but i dont usually have time either..my boss called and woke me up at 8am.. asking where the hell ive been and not called.. she used that tone like im five years old and just stole a cookie.. apparently people dont give messages when you leave them. grr. but i dont have to work tomorrow.. unless i want to make up time. gee. can i? please? id love to spend my weekend at work when you so generously didnt schedule me.. back when you liked me.. please let me come in now...when youre pissed off.. so you can take it out on me to my face. that would make the best weekend ever! im pretty friendly in the morning. but im ahead of myself. im gearing up all my defenses. today is my final review in my painting class.. my review which was supposed to be Next wednesday.. changed to today.. after much corraling and double talking by my professor who i loathe. but in the end.. today is better.. becuase then its over.. and school is done. and i am free. but now im trying to psyche myself up for it all. so that i dont freeze when they ask me questions.. so my eyes dont fill up with water when they tell me im crazy. being in the painting department..when you should be in the 3d department isnt easy.. the things i make mean so much more to me than anything i painted..or inked or drew.. the tiny birdnest made out of wire and hair are far more precious than drawings of women with really long necks.. but how do you convince a roomful of painters of that? how do you tell people who mostly live in two dimensions that you live in technicolor in no less than 5 dimensions? how do you show them that its not that you cant do the paintings but that your heart is in the sculpture? it should be an interesting day.. i dont know the two artists doing the crit...there was supposd to be 3.. the third being my nemesis. even though hes probably forgotten. hes one of those 'im god' fear me silly students.. type of artists. he thinks he knows everything.. and has a horribly snide way of getting it across. my first review ever was with him..and it was so scathing that no one could speak.. my teacher appologized for how it went.. this ass told me to abandon a painting because he felt it was overworked already.. he told me i wasnt ready to work on that scale... youre going to tell someone that wants to reach for the stars that they cant? or shouldnt?? who the fuck are you to limit other peoples dreams? i wasnt even finished. i had spent over a month or two on it.. a 9 foot painting.. and he just wrote it off.. theres somethings you dont say to people when they put their heart into something.. there are tactful ways of breaking it down that something sucks. and frankly..even then i knew the errors of the painting.. its art.. not science. needless to say.. that was awhile ago. i hate that painting now. last year i constructed a huge life size tree.. covered in a dirt/glue/hair mixture. i loved it. it was enormous.. i couldnt take it with me for the summer. i came back in the fall.. and they had thrown it away.. becuase underneath all my hard work was a broken easel they HAD to repair. they threw away the tree i loved.. and that fucking painting survived. that evil painting is still in my studio today for lack of place to put it.. and lack of heart to throw it away after it survived this long. it figures that would still be there. like the plague. but i digress. my loathesome professor left me a message last night saying my nemesis will not be at the review. so its two other random artists.. or so they say. for all i know my darling hated will decide at the last moment that he really does want to do the review. im still slightly nervous though. even though in the grande scheme of it all i know it doesnt matter. like ive said before.. its just a blip in time. but its making it through that blip that matters. i want to exude confidence. i want to convince them of my ideas. i dont want to be a wordless shell.. i want the ability to talk back if i dont agree with what they say. i meant to leave 6 minutes ago. i meant to get dressed an hour ago. i came online to see if there was anyone to at least lie to me and tell me they know i can make it. i was hoping to find someone that believed in me. id really like to find someone that believed in my art and my ideas. i suppose i dont show enough people. i wanted someone to come along and sit in the back and watch me explain my soul to strangers. i wanted someone to hug me when its all over. but im the only one here.
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