sams moms weird. i had another whole huge thought that i had earlier today ready to send forth to the screen..but now i got sidetracked by jazz singers and unfinished projects and.. and my old boyfriend sam.. his mom just instant messaged me.. which is crazy.. i was just thinking about them the other day.. i wonder alot what happens to people i used to be so close to.. i think about it alot really.. about if they think about me.. or remember the times we had and thoughts we shared.. and i wonder if theyll know my name when they see it in a paper that im gone.. ..and she messages me out of the blue.. parents always remember. and sam lives with his friends now..and theyre not really speaking.. and i remember christmas there.. i can still remember the smell of their house on a cool summer night when we would sneak in the front door drunk.. we were really in love then.. i remember how he ran away to be with me in massachusetts..and got caught somewhere around colorado.. i remember finally meeting him and planning to run off together with his moms credit card.. but i stopped us. me! hah. i guess my running days were over.. but we ended up making it for awhile.. i moved out there for school.. and it was love.. until i needed more out of someone than devotion.. i needed them to be more.. to have dreams that didnt involve me.. but that burned inside them to be caught.. and he didnt. and i cheated.. and i told him.. i always told him.. i coudlnt lie to him.. or maybe i liked to hurt him because i knew hed always come back.. god im sick.. but tonight i talked to his mom.. and they dont talk.. and she says hes gotten cuter but that hes angry now..and arrogant.. and i told her that i bet his sweetness was in there somewhere.. and she said no. she always said no.. she was wierd sometimes.. but i didnt know him when it ended.. he was someone i didnt even relate to anymore..and the last time i saw him.. after we broke up.. we fought.. cause it was a party and he wanted other girls..and it killed me.. for no reason than i wanted it all.. i wanted to have other boyfriends but have him be exclusively mine.. its so fucking insane in retrospect.. but it makes complete sense to me.. so he partys alot now.. and thats where he was going last we spoke.. probably more than two years ago.. he was someone i didnt know.. and i always felt a hint responsible..like somehow through all the mean shit i did to him showed him what it was to hurt.. i never meant to.. never. but i know i showed him real love too. true love.. for so long.. and people who say its not true love unless it lasts can eat a dick.. because i dont think that.. there are a million degrees to love.. and love is always changing.. and it maybe it was love when it was mutual and amazing and bliss. but it changed because the moon changes.. and he doesnt live with her anymore and she told me the next time im in california to look her up.. which i almost would.. because im a sucker for the past and people who remember the good moments to life.. and i never forget people.. |