an argument with myself. theres 11 people online of my buddy list and i cant talk to any of them.. i want to talk to someone...... gah. im at school and i refuse to cry at school over stupid money issues. fucking money. fucking school. what the hell good is my student loan refund if i dont get it until march? what the hell am i supposed to do till then? gah. i had this perfect plan where.. they would give me the first disbursement today... then the second in the middle of february.. and this plan was based on past facts. past disbursements at those times.. march!? its the 24th. meaning in about 8 days i need $437.50 for the rent.. and theeeeen.. by the middle of february (when i thought id get the money) im supposed to pay back g. for the money he lent me to pay the last rent. fuck! yeah and i still have no job.. but i goddamn tried. and im still trying. but whatever no one wants to hear this shit.. im sick of listening to myself talk. im really sick of owing everyone and their brother something. and the scary part was when the business office lady said... "did they reduce your pell grant?" to which i gave a resounding.. uhhhhh not to my knowledge.. meaning for all i know they chopped off some money and when i finally do see it it wont be nearly what i thought it should be. im running out of places to find money. im running out of people to ask. and im running out of whatever shred of self worth i had.. because its not easy to ask people to help you out. its not easy to walk away with any pride.. thats it. pride. like, yeah. i suck. i dont have a job.. but im going to school. .. and ive had a job every other year of my life since i was 16.. but then i had to move out here.. and leave my job and pay more for everything, and yeah maybe i was wrong again. IM ALWAYS WRONG. i can hear my moms speech.. it rewinds all the way back to california.. well you moved in with those psycho girls... and it trickles down from there hitting on highlights like moving every year.. and living with ian and moving out of the city and resting at having no job. but here i am and i reread all that and im like fuck you! fuck you all! because ive been doing it. ive been making it.. ive had a job all through college until now.. ive paid for the rents and bills and shit for all the apartments ive lived in. .. fucking christ half the people i know barely had jobs in college or none at all.. or had parents paying for their apartments and anything else they wanted. give me a fucking break. whens someone gonna tell me im doing alright? i just want it to work out. thats not too much to ask is it? its just money. gah. |