long winded disortation on the past 20 days. well well well. its been 20 days or something since i updated.. which seems like an insanely long time to me.. i think mostly because i come here.. and i look at the blank entry page.. and i think too much.. i think over and over whats been going on.. and then i just don't write. and now.. only the larger things stick out.. and the important fun filled details get lost in the mix.. i guess the answer is write more. another year another leaf? so. where do i begin now? so much has happened in 20 days. the whole world changed. pieces of it crumbled right under us. i drove around on friday.. finding a train station and saw whole restauraunts of people standing outside with candles.. children and families with signs and candles..all coming out of their corners of smalltown america..i don't think it was until then that i really realized that people were more united or caring than i usually give them credit for. in the same token.. i went to my moms yesterday to take advantage of free laundry.. it was a nice cool overcast day.. just enough rain.. mixed with just the right songs on the radio.. im in a good mood.. i feel happy.. and no ones home.. so i watch some tv.. then in maureen sweeps.. and switches between a crying rosie o'donnell.. and a tear filled episode of oprah. *sigh* i understand mourning.. i feel bad for tragedy and deaths that should never have happened. i can understand honoring people.. but theres a selfish side of me too.. that can't always hide... and i'm watching people talk about their husbands and sisters and everyone that just got on a plane to go to work and died. and i feel for them.. i really do. but at the same time that my tv fills with the tear streaked face of a girl talking about her dad and says.. "now he will never see me gradute.. he'll never be there to walk me down the isle when i get married.." i get up and leave.. because i can't help but saying.. join the club. because my dad's not gonna be there either..and it sucks and its bad..and it makes me want to cry sometimes.. but where was my oprah special? did anyone want to hear me tell the world i loved him or that he was my hero.. or how my life was gonna change? no. no one cared.. it was just another day.. just another person. and it made me mad to watch that show. in that selfish way.. i guess i cant explain it.. but he was just as special as them..as is every person who dies.. regardless of how or why. * onward. upward. occasionally jamie and i are able to convince each other to do things we probably shouldnt.. but why the hell not.. and so we lived and learned. we wanted dread extentions.. ive had them before but done a totally differnt way. this time we headed into providence to a regular old weave place..it was a million times cheaper and we later learned why. we took then out a week or so later. meh. but there we were.. the only two white girls in the place.. first they sent us on a goose chase to find the hair.. me and jamie.. the middle of providence looking for Two Brothers. haha. two brothers.. what a name. and it really was two asian brothers working there. we got our hair came back.. and waited for an eternity watching more BET channel than i think ive seen all year.. but i have to say the cutest most adorable thing i have ever seen occured.. there we all are.. all these kids getting braids for the start of school.. and on the tv comes jay-z singing his latest.. and all you hear is little kid voices singing along.. h to izzo.. b to the izz-a it was perfect. it was a movie.. or a commercial..or something slightly better than reality. and so we got our dreads.. and it hurt like hell.. and they were huge and heavy.. and if one stupid college guy made some comment about rasta.. he would've gotten my hand across his face. dreads undreaded * next. ive started back at another year at the old institution of no learning known as art school..two weeks in and ive already revisited all my old hates. hey look.. its orange on a canvas.. with a line through it! its like gold! its the next best thing since sliced bread! pffft. i had a whole rant ready on wednesday after visiting 6 galleries.. but it just seems pointless now.. nothing i havent said a million times. but ill make the best out of this bad situation if it kills me. ill just keep on creating.. * in unrelated school news.. today.. its raining.. and im wearing sandals still.. because well.. it wasnt raining when i left.. and i have one pair of non sandal shoes.. and i hate them. so theres me.. walking briskly in the rain to the train station.. through the campus of another more exclusive school.. theres me not seeing a wet paper bag on the ground.. theres me.. on the ground. ow. hah. i dont know what hurt worse.. knowing i just took a spill in front of strangers.. or the actual pain screaming from my knee. i guess it was slightly better than the time i took a spill in giant platforms in a skirt after getting off the train.. * i found a penny heads up though on the stairs later.. so theres hope yet. * my birthday is a week from today. i forgot lynettes in july and am too ashamed to email her...because of backwards etiquitte principles that live in my head. actual birthdays are usually bad.. last year i got yelled at by my boss.. and i got a card from ian that he didnt bother to sign. rock my casbah. but i wont doom this one yet. a new year. a new apartment. new people in my life. things are looking good. i cant deny that. i can paint it over with all the art girl angst and cynicism i want.. but theres still a flutter in my silly girl heart.. and someone to smile for.. and thats all you really need. * |