one life.. cheap. i will not be overwhelmed.. i will not be depressed. i hate that word.. depressed. i dont know why.. i associate it with too many things. with sad people who dont want it to be any better. im not depressed..i know it can get better. im just floundering.. lost in a sea of too much guilt and not enough money. its beautiful out and ive already cried once. pathetic! i keep thinking that. over and over. youre being pathetic. no one likes a whiner. no one likes someone whos not what i was. schools almost done for the summer.. i should be thrilled. but all it equals is more work so i can have enough money to live here. more work at a job i hate. more work with unappreciate people. more living here where sex keeps the peace and nothing else. you use me for sex i say.. you use me for cuddling he replies. its mostly true. and for some reason its everyone thats not here that understands. its people i havent met that make me feel better. and that of course feeds the fire. because any minute im on the computer he thinks im planning my next escape. my next way out. my next connection thats not him. he cant fathom that im talking to friends. people i care about. you make one mistake and its the world that ends. i guess the end had to come. i wanted the end. i just want out of here. so i can really move on. grow up. be happy. theres a novel idea. at the same time i want out i cry because its over. another chapter is done. another person i cared about gone until he can see that there were good times here. why cant we be friends? because no one does. relationships end and its never equal. someones always hurt and friendship is a near miss. theres always a price. i have two dollars and ninety-six cents.. i hope it gets me there. |