imnotgoodenoughimnotgoodenough. i am a stupid girl. girl as in everything silly and lame and overthought that a typical girl would be. sometimes i dont know what i expect. last night. me. ian. a bar. nick. i guess this needs a past story to get to the new story.. nick is a boy who reminds me alot of kevin. hell i dont know how much ive said about kevin either though. i hadnt seen nick in a year.. and it was probably closer to two or three since we were whatever we were. i started talking to nick online when i was in sf at school.. he was in an eternal struggle between loving some girl hed been with forever and some new chick. we talked alot. we got incredibly close. what is it with boys that send me mix tapes that i cant resist? hes my hardcore punk boy for lack of better words. he used to play the farside songs for me. *sigh* he got it. back then we were just friends. friends who flirted more than they should. i helped him with his problems with his girls. eventually it morphed though. and it was me he was thinking of. it was my picture by his bed that his girlfriend made him hide. soemwhere in there we got in a fight..he did something and i wouldnt talk to him again. a week went by and it killed me. hes one of those people you could not talk to for months but then call him up randomly and be right where you left off. hey girl! i can still hear his voice. anyways... i caved and called him and told him his friendship meant more to me than whatever principle was gettng in the way. that i couldnt handle not having him in my life. i think it was then that he fell in love with me. i remember he told me.. 'no ones ever given me a second chance before'.. summer came.. i went back home. we got closer and closer he was it. hes still it. jamies never met him but i always tell her that if she did. shed know he was it. hes everythign i look for. i wish i could find the letters he wrote. all that summer we plotted for me to go down there.. and each combination was a near miss and it became too hard.. and it all faded away. i dont really remember how. a year later.. last year.. i finally met him up here at a show. he was exactly how he was when we talked on the phone or even online. there was no lapse in person.. we hung out all night and talked.. we hugged.. and we left. last night.. another year later.. i saw him at their show. i watched him for a good half hour without being seen. i watched him move and laugh.. and brush his hair out of his eyes.. i couldnt put one foot in front of the other.. but finally he turned and saw me.. i stuck my tongue out at him. he came over we hugged.. we talked a little. it wasnt a great hug but it was still him. we laughed. we watched the band play.. more girls came in.. two little girls in leather preppy girl jackets. she threw her arms around him.. i backed away. i turned back to ian. oh yeah. i brought him with me. it seemed like a good idea at the time. i shouldnt use him as a fallback. i watched him talk to these girls and it ate away at me. these girls and their overly animated faces. ugh. i turned to ian and said something to the effect of.. oh sure they talk to the skinny little girls forever.. and he said to me. well... yeah thats the way it is. i think i said fuck you. i know i did. i wanted to cry. ian three beers into it couldnt understand why i was so upset. insanity set in then and i came up with all the reasons why i am inadequate and/or ugly. it was a lengthy list. the girls stood right infront of me the whole time. finally nick and his band go on and play.. theyre loud theyre good. people seemed to love it. ian had enough by then and wanted to leave.. i waited till they were all done moving equipment.. and the next band had started.. it took me all that time to go up to him to say bye.. he was moving to the music. i tapped him on the back. he put his arm around me and we were close.. he smiled and said hey girl! and for some reason.. it suddenly seemed alright. i felt special again .. and i could move on. he thanked me alot for coming.. i told them they were good.. we hugged again and i left. me and drunk ian. i miss nick. i really do. i miss our friendship. but its hard to bring a friendship back to where it was. when you dont talk for months its hard to find the starting point. i tried to explain it to ian.. but i dont think he got it.. he of course cant get past that nick and i used to be whatever. he cant get past that to the friends part. which explains alot. because ian cant get to the just friends part with me. but thats a whole other ball of nails. |