appreciation of now. sometimes i kick myself.. because i take alot of things for granted.. i take it for granted that im still here.. that i have this endless supply of time to live life.. that i can hold back what i think and what i feel..and i can make arguments where there arent any..and i can worry and worry and worry.. because theres always tomorrow.. theres always more time.. all we have is time. fuck. ive said that a million times.. but its fucking not true. there isnt forever time. theres only right now. last week my mom and her friend and my sister got in a car crash on the way back from a basketball game.. no one told me until i came home this weekend.. the car was totaled but miraculously no one was really hurt.. my sister was in the back seat.. on the passenger side.. the other car hit them on the backseat drivers side.. she couldve been dead in minutes if anything was different.. i tried to laugh it off at the time.. like.. wow. that sucks.. im glad everyones ok.. no big deal. but its been in the back of my mind all weekend.. the big what if. jamie and i talked alot last night... several hours and cds later.. i felt pretty good.. we talked alot about our families.. and life.. and death. i told her how if my mom died tomorrow id be lost.. because shes the only one left. because as much as i hate her when she does things that she knows i hate.. i still turn to her when i cant figure something out.. or when i think she'll listen. i love her like crazy.. and i hope she knows... because it could be tomorrow. no matter how much its not logical i could die tomorrow.. or her.. or anyone. and that scares me.. i didnt sleep much last night.. because i was on the phone too busy being a girl.. too caught up in making my own life difficult.. and i dont know why.. why not just let it be? because i cant. because im fucking dumb alot. because i want definite answers and i want love. i want acceptance and respect.. and i KNOW its all there. i know it is. its the same what ifs that i talk about endlessly that fuck with my head.. im stopping that now. im not worrying anymore. im just letting it grow and be and live. because it will be what its gonna be. we float or we'll sink. but we will enjoy it. thats what it comes down to. enjoy the time you have. enjoy the people around you.. take nothing for granted.. if i walk away from this relationship alone.. itll hurt..but i have this time. i have now. i have how i feel right now.. which is good. which is loved. we talked about it last night too.. me and jamie. about appreciating the things we have.. we focus alot on whats missing.. about whats not right..and we lose sight of what we do have. whats right infront of our faces. i have family.. i have friends.. i have a boy im anamored with. i have air to breathe.. sure alot of my family is gone..and my friends have wandered and erik is across the country.. but those dont matter. its that i DO have them.. they are here. out there. they exist. and i love them all. and thats beautiful.. and that shouldnt be taken for granted.. and i wont. i cant take them for granted anymore.. i woke up this morning against my will.. the phone rang alot and i ignored it alot because someone else always seemed to answer it first.. eventually jamie called.. and you know when someone says.."have you talked to your mom today?" that its not good.. jamie had just talked to my moms boyfriend in an attempt to find me.. and i couldnt fathom what happened.. because you never can. and she tells me. and my moms best friend found her husband dead on the floor this morning.. and fuck. my moms there now.. they had to go to school to find her daughter to tell her.. i remember that day... and its not going to get easier. unexpected things dont. my moms friend and her husband were the best odd couple.. you werent sure how it worked it just did. and to think hes gone.. just gone. out of nowhere. thats fucking insane to me. its too close to home. its too much a mirror of what ive already been through.. his daughter is close to the age i was when my dad died.. its too real.. i cant feel enough for them..and this.. and at the same time i want to run scared and hide.. because i dont want to deal with it.. i dont want to deal with loss.. or the memory of the loses ive already had.. i dont want to go back there.. i dont want to see them in pain... i dont want to see the hurt and sorrow that knowing you wont see someone ever again brings.. *sigh* thats what this is all about. thats what this comes from. just fucking appreciate whos here while you can.. because maybe all we have is now. |