i cant write at school.. i am not that cool. so maybe im at school.. maybe im in some weird random room on the 7th floor... with me. and no one else but a bunch of computers.. fuck my typing is loud.. these arent the computers i wanted though... i was searching for a free shiny mac to do my damn web design project on .. but theres classes everywhere.. except in these abandoned pc labs.. whee. so i make no progress on my project and have to come in early tomorrow anyways.. pffft. one day at a time. last night is a blur. life is a blur. its wednesday..and im not really sure how i got here.. things get harder before they get easier.. im afraid to admit.. i think fear breeds fear... and hes afraid i wont like him..so it makes me afraid that he could be right.. or that he wont like me.. but i KNOW i like him.. so why worry? its a circle i drive around alot.. i just want this to work.. is that so wrong? i want it to be easy and fun..and beautiful.. i know it can be.. i know my faults and my drawbacks.. i know i cant express myself in real words that arent on a screen or paper.. but i want to. i want to be able to say it all.. and i try. i want my trying to matter.. i know hes trying to..and i know it means the world to me.. i pour my heart into things i write.. and when it gets thrown back at me.. because i cant say them.. it hurts.. * fears: im afraid erik wont like me. im afraid he'll think im uncute.. im afraid i wont be able to say the things i want to..and ill hide behind my hoodie wall. im afraid to be afraid. im afraid of the awkward moments that are sure to be there.. because in all essence.. im awkward. im afraid of every combination of what ifs known to man. im afraid of unacceptance. im afriad of the cafeteria. everyday theyre out there. my fears.. they hide in corners...they creep around. but usually they stay tucked away. because theres nothing to fear but fear itself. i think that maybe if i write them here then they are done and gone. because i know theyre all silly. i know im rad. i know the cafeteria is NOT highschool.. although its reaaaal close. i know that im cute and i know that i like erik more than sliced bread. im afraid this comes off the wrong way. this entry is only getting more far gone. did i have a point? its almost 7..if i dont find kim.. i have no ride home.. and that makes me saaad. but my point. i think it was.. that its wednesday. and im here. and we're all here. we made it this far. we can make it anywhere. nothing but time... i love you erik. you. who you are. you with your own fears. you and your talent. you. your words and thoughts. your love. the good. the bad. all of you. |