can i be any more lame? i slept like hell last night. well no.. when i was actually sleeping it was good.. but there were alot of times in between i spent thinking.. or just staring at the clock.. hah. i shouldve just written this last night.. then maybe i couldve rested easier.. who knows. i probably wouldve just moved on to something else to dwell on.. i wrote 2.1 entries yesterday and finished none. i think ive written a few others in the past few days too.. but none of them made it out.. does anything ever make it out? ugh. i fumbled through conversation last night with someone special.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. what malfunction happens in my brain that makes me react so.. so insanely uncaring.. so silly.. so afraid. ive done this before.. hah didnt radiohead say 'making friends is easy' or something to that effect.. whats wrong with me? because i really like him.. so i better figure out how normal people act..hah. i mean he has it all figured out really.. i laugh and dont say things because im afraid.. because once you say things seriously.. theyre just there.. floating around bouncing off the walls ..and they wait for response.. and even in my head as i know that me admitting i really like someone who.. i know likes me..isnt going to kill me.. it still gets stuck in my throat and comes out as some snappy come back or extra laugh..because it could happen. i could say something.. and as soon as its said.. its real.. and what if he changes his mind? haha im not always this silly... this insecure.. at the worst i picture people getting me to say things then turning around and laughing after i do.. sometimes they point.. but only in worst case senarios. i wasnt what he expected.. i imagine him thinking i would be some sweet softspoken whisp of a girl on the phone..full of smiles and love...from the way i write.. and instead i was some unarticulate pile of giggles. my writing is me.. its in there.. and i am capable of so many better things than i let on.. it just takes time.. and unfortunately patience to get there.. i have to know.. really know someone cares.. for sure.. before i can just melt away into spoken words.. haha.. for future reference though.. its not this bad in person.. im not that much of a moron.. i still have my shields but they can usually be broken with a hug. did i mention ive done this before? hah. ask evil paul.. he could tell you a thing or two about my distance.. way back when i first met him.. the first fourth of july..he was him and i was me.. and he kissed my cheek and nothing more.. and then hed call me and wed talk for hours..and he would tell me he loved me.. and even though in my mind and in my heart i was on that same page.. i loved him too.. what would i say? "um... thanks" ugh. thats so horrible. if any boy i told i loved said thanks.. id probably cry. he stood for it though. he liked me that much.. he put up with alot of my bullshit.. but thats another story.. me and paul were always trying to get *there*.. i think we did for awhile.. but if i look back i still always wonder if he knew how much i cared.. i know he does because i did let down my wall.. and if he didnt know.. it wouldnt have carried on like it did.. but i still wonder sometimes.. and i tell myself not to be that way.. i tell myself and it eventually kicks in.. you just have to stick around long enough to find out.. ...maybe thats the hard part? no.. thats the easy part if its real.. to just be there ..and help it along.. help me along.. im not always so lame. |