psychology of a hometown so maybe i skipped class today.. maybe i shouldnt have.. maybe im going to drop the class anyways.. because im like that. because its psychology. and i cant handle it now. maybe i could. maybe im just hesitant because i dont know anyone in the class..and no one stood out as someone i want to know. and i do know we have to do a presentation with a partner..which sucks when theres no one. and maybe because i forgot to buy the book so theres still time to turn back. dropping this class puts me further behind in graduating.. but once youre behind..whats one more? everyone else is graduating this may. all my friends with their shiny new college degrees. moving on to the next big piece of pie. and here i am still in the midst of whatever making sculptures and dropping psychology..all because i transferred schools. i got into an argument with my mother yesterday over life. and where its not going. she mentioned a friend of mine who was going to be teaching at the highschool in our hometown while he got his masters.. its like a running joke..that town. uxie. ugh. people go to college and go right back..and teach at the high school.. or become policemen there.. there in a town with no crime. i REFUSE to go back there.. maybe when im old and done living and want a quiet place to die.. but i wont go back there after college. wont. cant. and i went off on my mom about life and its lack of direction. how my life is going nowhere here. how all i want is to be back in san francisco. not here in the fucking snow. how out there i felt like i was going somewhere. or that there was opportunity.. here its like im going to graduate and get nothing but a slap on the ass. its a double edged sword really. here im growing creatively.. there i had direction career wise. depending on the day either one could be better. id stay here and suck up all the creativity i can if i knew. KNEW id get back out there. i dont know why i doubt myself so much lately. i got myself out there in the first place. needless to say the argument ended with a,'im gonna go now before i get anymore pissed off right before i go to work'.. i just wanted her to tell me it was going to work out. i didnt want a speech. i didnt want reality. i wanted some sympathy damnit. a yeah. work sucks. itll be ok. i wanted her to just agree with me and move on. but no. shes a mom. it doesnt work like that. the only things saving my sanity yesterday were three long phone calls from jamie, who being the other half of my brain could understand. so its monday and i skipped psychology to spare my own mind.. and ive been sitting here for the greater part of the afternoon wondering where andy is. maybe im overreacting. i do that occasionally. maybe im just being me. but its monday. and he should be at work.. he should be talking to me..telling me he is ok. but hes not here..and he hasnt written. so im here. overracting. heh. its better than psychology. |