grandma kay so its sunday.. historically.. at least for me.. sundays used to be family days.. how typical for little america. wed hop in the car and go to my grandmothers house. grandma k.. which i i guess when i say it sounds alot more like gramma kay.. but either way. i can remember way back going over there for major sports events involving any boston team. specifically the celtics.. we would make signs and watch their championship games like it was the world..back when the nba had real players.. well at least to me. sports have become less heart and more money now. maybe im just old enough to realize it. because then i was 6 and it seemed true. so wed watch these games and in retrospect it was amazing.. the happiness when they won.. i remember one time they won some championship and they played the 'we are the champions song' as many times as they had won in history.. it was alot.. and to this day.. that song makes me choke.. because its not lie that anymore. its not even close to that anymore. its been a steady decline since my dad died. that was when i was in 7th grade.. but thats when the true heartfelt memories of families began to fade. he was gone, and my uncle morphed into someone else. i can understand that it hurt him. it was his brother.. but he wouldnt even come to our house for more than an hour on a required holday.. it used to make me crazy.. because i live with the memories too.. we had more happy ones at his house.. i dont know why ours was so cursed to him. but ill stop there.. because im already starting to cry over this.. this which is so many years past that i shouldnt. and my dad wasnt the point of this entry.. not this time.. i need more time for that.. this ones about grandma k.. shes the last to start to fade.. we had millions of times together.. she taught me to read when i was little.. she went along with all my crazy imaginary games... i used to watch this show on pbs.. it was called power house.. and there was a kid on there named lolo.. and i had an obsession with him.. not that i had a crush on him.. but i wanted to Be him. and i used to make everyone call me lolo.. i was little.. it happens.. and everyone thought it was funny.. i wouldnt answer to anything else.. but my grandma .. she didnt laugh about it.. she was there with me.. she took me seriously.. because she knew it mattered to me.. she went so far as to mail me a postcard from florida addressed to Lolo M.. she was everything to me.. shed let me tear up her kitchen too.. and make 'conconctions' and everyone hated it.. because they were disgusting.. but she still let me do it.. cause she loved me.. but much like my dad.. and everyone else.. she was a drinker.. she drank golden sherry all day everyday.. but she could handle back then.. and it was ok.. or something. but as she got older it affected her more.. and then.. evertually.. she got alzheimers (i still dont know how to spell it).. and alcohol didnt give her that.. but it didnt help her out any.. so shed forget things.. and repeat things ..alot. and she lived downstairs fomr my uncle.. and eventually she was so out of she was scared to be alone.. and it was tearing my uncles marriage apart.. and me.. i was in san francisco then.. fighting my own battles to not be homeless.. and so i was removed form it.. but evertually they put her into 'golden pond' a swanky home for old people.. shes in the alzheimers unit as we speak.. and this killed me.. because i hate nursing homes. i hate being there.. i hate that people just go there to die mostly.. but eventually.. i was forced to go see her there.. forced because i didnt want to break my good memories of her.. i didnt want ot see her there. but i went.. and its not so bad.. they pay so much for her to be there.. its reallly swanky.. nothing like nuursing homes i knew..its more like a rich crazy people dorm or something.. everyones dressed up nice and out of their rooms playing games or whatever.. so then it became not the place so much but having to face grandma k and the fact that she doesnt remember alot of things.. or doesnt know whats really going on, like how we are related.. or where she really is.. so on the last mothers day we went to see her.. and she looked great.. and i was ok.. i went in there all smiles and hugs.. and then.. then as shes talking to my mom.. and im sitting right next to her.. she says.. what ever happened to heather? she was such a good kid. and i lost it.. like i am now.. my lip quivered and i cried.. because i was right there.. and she didnt know. it it hurt so much.. and i cried all the way home..and my mom hugged me which always makes it worse.. the.. theres nothing else i can really do hug.. where you know its bad. because they never hug you. but time goes on.. and i held that story in.. the only people who knew were the ones who were there.. and so last week it was grandma kays birthday.. so we went to see her.. or.. again i was forced.. i wanted to see her.. i just didnt want to cry.. so i told jamie about the last time i went there.. and she understood.. why i have so much trouble.. my mom doesnt get it though.. she thinks im a bad person.. because i dont like to see people in hospitals.. or dying.. my dad in the hospital.. ugh. a story for another time.. i digress. so i went this time to see her.. and things were pretty good.. she was happy and we were happy.. and we hugged and she talked to me about finding boyfriends with her.. haha.. she thinks every guy is her boyfriend.. and she smiled so much.. and i was standing with her talking and laughing and i was ok.. and then .. you have to leave.. and she always wants to go with you.. and its so hard.. you have to lie and tell her youll come back later.. even though youre not.. but she forgets.. but it still bothers me.. so we sneak out the door.. and im still ok.. shes happy.. im good.. she knew me this time.. she remembered things from the past.. and then in the car my mom says to me.. you know.. when you were standing with her.. i realized how much youre just like her. and my eyes welled up.. and i almost cried.. but my sister changed the subject to save my face.. because my mom was right. i am alot like her.. and it was bittersweet almost tears.. because it was the biggest compliment she could have given me. |