scandalous. it was raining the other night.. not just a light mist..but a hard driving rain..and the lightning lit up the sky.. it had a maddening effect on the train.. it took me forever to get there.. but it only seemed like a few minutes to me. that old feeling was back in my stomach.. the adrenaline of meeting someone new.. in the middle of the night.. its always when i thrive.. will he like me? will it turn out alright? will he see me for the geek i am? but i got there.. and he was there.. in the rain waiting. and it was weird..and awkward.. and i was wearing leopard platforms.. in the rain.. why? jamie told me to..and for some reason i didnt question it.. sandals in the rain.. so we walked and ran and drove in the rain and we ended up at his place.. and we talked..and i seemed weird.. i am weird. and we decided to watch a kevin smith movie.. chasing amy. a classic. and of course it fit. dont watch clerks.. thats too funny..and you have to really watch it to fully like it..and mallrats.. maybe. but chasing amy is the perfect mix of dry humor and love. but this wasnt about love really. so we start this movie and hes laying on his bed..and im sitting there with my hoodie on.. my protective shield against boys.. and we're watching and my backs to him.. im always so cold at first. cant let them think i care.. that im interested.. because then im at risk and lets just avoid the rejection before it starts. and i feel his hand on my back.. like i knew i would. and i half flinch..but i dont know why.. and he tries to get me to take my hoodie off.. cause it is like 80 degrees, but im helpless without it..its just a sweatshirt heathur..really. but i keep it longer.. but i atleast turn more in his direction..and i feel him touching my hair..and somehow his arms around me.. and i can see him. i see him out of the corner of my eyes.. and i know where this is going.. and i giggle. i giggle alot. he asks me over and over whats so funny..and i shrug. but i know why i laugh..because i see him right there.. so close that hes almost blurred..and i can read his thoughts. and i already know this ending..and its funny to me.. funny that its so obvious. and hes leaning in and hugging me tight. he playfully growls at the same time.. and i laugh. and i kepe watching the movie like nothings going on.. im nto sure why.. because i can.. because i know.. because i secretly like to make him second guess himself and push his self confidence to the edge.. to see how far he'll go.. or how long he'll try. and eventually im laying down.. in his arms..on his bed.. watching this movie that i already know reliving my own re rented movie. and he kisses my forehead. that melts me.. im such a damn chick sometimes. and later theres more hugs.. and he kisses my hand. its the little things that break down my walls. and in my head im still grooving to this song on the kevin emo comp i listned to on the way there..and i move my head to my own personal music..and he laughs.. because apparently he doesnt do that.. or maybe he doesnt hear like me. and theres kisses.. light fragile afraid kisses. the kisses you give when youre so unsure of whats going on, but that you feel you have to let out. the innocent kisses. the ones i live for. you can feel their hearts beat then..in anticipation and uncertainty. and its pure and beautiful..and id live in that moment if i could.. and i take in his simple kisses.. and it all begins to morph.. into another monster.. because im a passionate kisser.. it cant be explained.. i think my heart opens a little and a drop of the real love i want to share with someone escapes..and makes them feel.. and he says god damn youre a good kisser.. and i laugh.. i know i say. and we kiss some more..and when i kiss i have to move.. move and writhe and feel..and it goes from there.. it turns into the sex we all knew this was about..or that lingered in the back of our minds when we talked about meeting up.. i wanna cuddle he said.. a clever cover. i could have just cuddled.. but no. i too got wrapped up in the sex.. in the feelings.. and soon half my clothes have become part of the floor..and theres hands and lips..and why stop now? and i knew this was coming so i wore my strapless bra.. the one that makes my breasts gorgeous.. and he told me so as soon as i lost my tank top.. and i smiled to myself.. we all knew wed get here. and theres touching and smiling..and it takes all my control not to bite.. im such a biter..and he smells like soap..and its intoxicating. i told him he smelled so clean..and he told me took a shower before he came to get me.. and i think to myself.. that i took a shower too.. because you dont meet a boy with hairy legs. and without words we subconsiously knew wed be here in the sheets.. in the 8o degree room.. and it goes from there..we become twisted into one another.. and hes really good.. on that physical level.. and he kisses my face.. and i get to be ontop..which does it for him.. and we move and enjoy..and it reaches that fevered pitch and finally you boil over.. and melt.. melt into the afterglow.. and we hugged..and kissed..and drifted to sleep.. and i wonder what this meant? nothing.. something.. i shouldnt sleep with people so easily.. fuck that.. maybe they shouldnt sleep with me. its all the same. we wanted it. and it was good.. and i missed my classes the next day..and we slept.. and slept..and he took me back to the train..and its all different in the morning. and he took off his hat in the car.. and i knew he would kiss me goodbye..and he did. and i went home...and took a nap..and relived it in my head over and over.. the anticipation.. knowing im still wanted.. that i still have a certain spark in my eye.. and poison in my kiss.. and i came home.. and its hard for me to admit.. i came home from a night of touching and feeling and innocent new kisses.. i came home and took a nap with my boyfriend. |